"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and
the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the
Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage
that campaign." —David Letterman
"John Kerry described his Republican
critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's
saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician."
—Jay Leno
"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started
off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry
apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam."
- Conan O'Brien
"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering,
do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?"
—David Letterman
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate
surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before
he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates
have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.
The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill
Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno
"John
Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally
hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn
"Today,
John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit.
John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card."
—Craig Kilborn