Iraq Jokes

"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush." —Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him." —Jay Leno

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

What is the best Iraqi job?

Foreign Ambassador

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.

Saddam’s doctor called a meeting of all Saddam’s body-doubles:

"Men, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, praised be to Allah, Saddam is still alive. The bad news is, he lost an arm…"

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four.

One to screw in the light bulb.

One to claim that they’ve actually screwed 3,000 light bulbs.

One to claim that they’ve unscrewed 1,500 American light bulbs.

And one to claim that they’re screwing and unscrewing the light bulbs for the Palestinian people.

Top Ten Questions Asked By Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured

10. "Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?"

9. "Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!"

8. "Anyone have a mint?"

7. "Is this about the illegal music downloads?"

6. "Am I going to be on 'Cops'?"

5. "Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?"

4. "How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?"

3. "Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?"

2. "How's the war going?"

1. "Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?"