During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old
bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie
snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant
you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton:
I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: That's a little hard,
give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful
woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
"Yesterday at Barnes
& Noble Hillary Clinton had a book signing and a lot of people
showed up. 1,200 people showed up and statistically speaking that
means 1 in 10 of those people slept with her husband." —David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator
from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used
the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."—David Letterman
"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her
brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This
woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is
she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just
suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno
Hillary wakes
Bill about 3 am to tell him she has to go to the bathroom. He asks
her "Why are you waking me to tell me that?" She says, "I want you
to save my place."
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were
vacationing
in their home state of Arkansas.
On a venture one day,
they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It
seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school
love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at
the time.
They exchanged hellos and went on their way.
As they were
driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and
said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife
of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if
I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
Hillary
Clinton went to her doctor because she was not feeling well.
The doctor
explained that she was pregnant again.
She was furious. This would
ruin her plans for a Senate run in New York next year. Her dreams
were ruined. The more she thought about it, the madder she got. She
was so made that she called Bill and the oval office and began to
yell and scream at him, how he had selfishly gotten her pregnant,
ruined her dreams of running for Senate. She went on and on,
finally
there was a long pause as she waited for a reply from Mr. Clinton.
Suddenly, after the long silence, Bill said, "...Who is this?"