When
Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied,
"I don't know. I never had one."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently
that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer
has been answered
Q: What did Bill say when his wife got him boxers?
A: They should warm my ankles nicely.
"Last night in Canada, Bill
Clinton told a Jewish group that if Iraq attacks the Middle East,
he would personally pick-up a rifle and fight for Israel. The only
place he won't fight, is if it's anywhere near Southeast Asia. ...
Would you want Clinton fighting with you? We already know his aim
is terrible." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton was in Manhattan a couple
of days ago and he's driving down the street and he stops his car
and goes up to a doorman at an apartment building and he asks the
guy if he can use the restroom. One day you're the leader of the free
world and the next day a guy named Pedro won't let you use the bathroom.
... Later that day Clinton stopped a couple and asked them if he could
use his wife." —David Letterman
"Former President Clinton went to
London to see Chelsea and meet her new boyfriend. I guess the boyfriend
told Clinton he thought of him as a role model. Clinton said, 'That's
it — you are not dating my daughter!'" —Jay Leno
"In a couple of weeks
'60 Minutes' will end their weekly Clinton-Dole debates, here are
the results so far — Leslie Stahl is pregnant." —Craig Kilborn
"While
giving a graduation speech last week, former President Clinton said
that America needs to lead the way in fighting infectious disease.
Then Clinton went on to say, 'I'm serious, take a look at this rash.'"
—Conan O'Brien
"Former President Bill Clinton will not be hosting
a talk-show here at NBC. I believe this marks the first time that
Clinton has ever turned down a desk job." —Jay Leno
"In California,
50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground
naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president."
—Jay Leno
"President Clinton may be getting his own TV show on
NBC. He could be the first president to ever be both impeached and
cancelled. They're going to pay the guy $50 million. And that's not
all. If I know Clinton, he's going to be getting a little something
extra under the table." —David Letterman
"He's got a scandalous past
and he's talking about how much he's going to love being the (Senate)
spouse's club. Do you think that makes the male senators feel good?
Do you think Sen. Orrin Hatch right now is sleeping easy? Do you think
Lieberman doesn't think Clinton is going to be sidling on up to Hadassah
in the Senate club: 'Can I buy you a Manishevitz?' Believe me, they're
nervous." —Jon Stewart, on Bill Clinton"Yesterday President Bush was
at Mt. Rushmore. Don't confuse this with former President Clinton
who was just in a rush to mount more." —Jay Leno
"This Paula Jones
woman is unbelievable. She says yes to posing nude in Playboy. She
says yes to boxing Tonya Harding. The only thing too sleazy for her
is President Clinton." —Jay Leno
In Washington, it turns out there
are still traces of anthrax in the Senate office building. Wouldn't
it be ironic if, after all these years of living with Bill, Hillary
winds up catching something from the Senate." —Jay Leno
"According
to Marie Claire magazine, the United States is the most sexually active
country in the world. It's nice to see all the work Clinton did in
the '90s finally paying off. Who said there is no legacy there?" —Jay
Leno
"They say New Yorkers are coping by having much, much more sex.
Talk about luck. Bill Clinton moved here just in time" —David Letterman
"President
Clinton is here in New York City. He's on the 56th floor of an office
building in Midtown Manhattan. He took the whole floor. And the great
thing is, he can furnish it with stuff he stole from the White House.
And he brought his own doorman with him — I guess you can do that
as a former President — Al Gore." —David Letterman
"They also said
that they found pornographic material on the White House fax. It turns
out that was just Clinton sending out resumes." —Jay Leno
"It's tax
time and former President Clinton is reporting he made over $2 million
last year, and that's not including what he got under the table."—Craig Kilborn
